I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
