I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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