your parents love me but you hate me
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize