Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
