and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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