The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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