The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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