I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
