I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
