the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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