All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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