If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
