I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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