it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
