I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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