He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
