tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
