I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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