My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
