i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
