I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
