i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
