Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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