awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
