She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
