I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
