my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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