Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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