my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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