I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just pee around me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
