When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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