Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
