The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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