I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
