A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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