It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
