I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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