The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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