i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
