I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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