a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
