When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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