he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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