I'm lost and stupid without you.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
