just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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