they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
