you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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