So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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