It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
