These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
