the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
