i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
