I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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