you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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