girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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