ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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