The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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