I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize