Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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