im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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