It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dicks are not precious.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
