Who wears a wallet chain?!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
