dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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