so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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