A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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