Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
