My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
