We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
