That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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