How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
