OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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