Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
