i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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