I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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