just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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