I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
