i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize