Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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